


"it’s going to be alright…”

by SuckerForRiren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Eren and Levi as kids, Eren has cancer, Feels, Gentle Levi, Grisha is kinda there, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Im so sorry but Eren will die in the end, M/M, My second work, POV First Person, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Please Don't Hate Me, Sad Ending, sick Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:01:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9301151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuckerForRiren/pseuds/SuckerForRiren
Summary: " –  How is he? Can I see him? I want to see him! – I screamed and stepped to the door immediately, but suddenly doctor grabbed my hand stopping me. I looked at him. He took his glasses off and hanged them on his neck to let his eyes rest a little bit. Then a loud sad sigh escaped his lips.– Be strong, – he said and then released my wrist. – Five minutes, no more. "





	1. "Let‘s slide. I really want to "

And then he took my hand and we started running. His fingers were chilly, but I could feel that enthusiasm that his body radiated. That cute big ball on his hat top was bouncing up and down from the way his feet were carrying his body forth. From the way, he was pulling me by my wrist with him. And I was running with him. It was weird. He was happily chuckling all the way and I perfectly knew what was the reason for that. Snowflakes were starting to slowly fall from the sky. They were dancing in the air playfully slowly setting down onto the ground.  
Town buildings just flashed through the corners of my eyes while we were running and all of the sudden we reached the suburbs. He didn‘t talk to me. I saw that bright shiny smile on his face that was there entire time of our journey. His hand was holding onto my wrist so tightly that I bet he could feel my pulse throbbing in my veins. The steam of hot air was coming out of our mouths and noses was also there. When he noticed this happening from my mouth he just chuckled and sped the running up striking forth.  
  
– Don‘t breath through your mouth or your throat will get sore tomorrow! – He shouted in that overly worried cute voice. That made me chuckle. Even though he was not kidding. He perfectly knows that I‘m the one who always very easily gets sick. That‘s why my mom always says that I was someone difficult to take care of when I was little. I remember myself how she used to sit beside my bed and wipe my sweaty forehead with cold compress so my temperature would go down. She used to talk to me about random things – kindergarten, primary school, middle school, high school, family trips, upcoming family events. Anything used to work just to keep me company while I was sweating in bed. However, everything changed when I was twelve years old and she never came to even look at me when I was sick.  
Finally, we reached stoned stairs leading down onto the roadway. He grabbed the railing with his free gloved hand and started climbing down. Slowly, step by step. Hand, that was holding me by my wrist, was held back to make that sweet connection between us so our hands wouldn‘t let each other go. I carefully followed him down watching where I put my feet because the stairs were slightly covered in ice. 

 

* * *

 

 _That day I was waiting for my mom to come get me. It was already noon and all of the kids were waiting for their parents in the playground. I was a little shy kid that didn‘t play with other children. I was sitting on the edge of the sand box watching kids swinging on the swings. I wanted to swing too. But I couldn‘t go to them and ask to let me have the swings._ Instead _I just stayed silent with my knees lifted up to my chest and small little palms on top of them, locked together. There was a cute baby hat with a snap on my head so the sun wouldn‘t stroke. Other kids were playing in the sand box, a lot of them were running_ round _the grass following the ball. All of the sudden that ball bumped into my legs. I picked it up and just stared at it like it‘s something I‘ve never seen before in my life. Though it was just a simple ball with a few random pictures on it to make it more suitable for kids._  
_While I was holding the ball in my little hands, that were covered up in different colors of markers that I drew with in coloring class, a boy appeared beside me. He was looking at me with big eyes like hoping for something. I slowly stood up. My lips got_ cute _triangle shape. I hid my eyes behind the cap snap. I felt embarrassed. I childishly held out the ball with one sudden movement like trying to get over this fast so I could get back to the sand box and just sit there like I was doing it until this moment. I could feel the way boy‘s hands accidentally touched mine while getting the ball into his hands. And it was the first awkward and at the same exciting childhood experience of finding someone that matches you._  
_– Thanks! – The boy smiled happily and then turned around and ran back to others to continue the game._

 

* * *

 

Finally, we reached the end of the stairs and got onto the sidewalk. But instead of choosing the easy path we both, without even a word, together carefully passed the street that was dissolved with salt so it wouldn‘t be slippery for the cars and the ice wouldn‘t cause accidents. So we ran through it. And got closer the residential area detached houses. Each of them had its big yard that had gazebos and sheds, leafless bushes and trees that lost their greenery for winter. When we reached the end of this living area and finally met the street sign that showed us that we‘re about to leave the town we turned into the bushes that were growing beside the street and taken care by the municipality.  
  
– _Wait, don‘t rush, let‘s rest for a bit,_ – I said when I noticed that he‘s already panting. He was trying to catch his breath. But he just shook his head and moved the bush branches to the side with his free hand getting into those small paths that people – mostly us – made there to get the shortcut. We got into a small grove that now was all covered in snow. Usually people come here to walk their pets so the snow had thousands of dog footprints.  
Now I stopped him. I stepped forth getting in front of him and took his hand tightly to hold him for support so he wouldn‘t fall. We had to get down the hill onto the empty snowy plot. Usually, this is not such a big challenge when it‘s a warm season of the year, but in winter the hill is plainly covered up in snow. To make it worse, kids come here to ski with sleds or even a piece of cellophane so the slope was lightly covered in slippery ice and even shone from the way it was scuffed.  
I stepped down carefully playing my foot onto the ice trail of where some kid happily slid down the hill. But suddenly he squeezed my hand like pulling me back up.  
  
– _Wait_ , – he said when I looked at him a little worried. I thought that he was scared of getting hurt. – _Let‘s slide. I really want to_.  
That made me smile. I carefully sat down onto the top of the hill with feet let down of the edge. I held his hand to support him as he slowly squated down as well and shifted his body onto my lap. I hugged his waist tightly to make sure no accidents happen here. His gloved hands gripped onto mine. Our legs tangled. And suddenly I pushed us down from the edge letting us both fly down the icy trace. Wind blew through my ears. Pleasurable feeling of excitement and adrenaline built up in the lower belly as our bodies picked up the speed on this slippery hill and slid down as fast as a lightning. I could feel snowflakes getting into my face as we move so fast. And also his cute hat ball was right beside my face tickling my nose. At some point I saw how he lifts his hands up into the air and even holds his head up. I think he closed his eyes that moment. And a loud happy relieved scream escaped his lips as freedom overcame his body. Some sort of shiver ran down my spine. His scream lighted up a smile on my face. I just laughed happily from his reaction as our entire lives were flashing through the corners of our eyes again. So fast that we don‘t even have time to embrace it properly.


	2. "I’ll never forget, and I will always care.."

_One day after lessons we ran outside. It was the end of the spring so the weather was nice and we didn’t worry about clothing. We didn’t wait for our parents and ran through the stadium and living district to the grove that an old ranger used to take care of. But after his death the small lodge that he had there got absolutely empty. It was our hideout where we used to run to after lessons to hide from the world._  
  
_– Be careful! There are lots of glass pieces! – I remember how I warned him when he got onto the outside table and carefully squirmed into the lodge through the broken window. After him it was my turn._  
  
_Even though there was an old bed we used to get comfy on the floor. He took out all of his markers and pencils from his school backpack. I did the same. And an entire carpet got covered in drawing supplies and papers. Then we started drawing._  
  
_– This is the river, – he pointed at wiggly blue snake he drew onto the white sheet of paper. – This is the hill and the grove where we’ll have to make our secret paths and pay the forest spirits for the permission to cross their lands._  
  
_I watched where his colorful finger was showing with childishly serious expression on my face. Saw the river, the hill, the forest in the map that he made. Also the town buildings and our houses. This little lodge. School. To us this was the most serious thing in the world. The biggest secret that we had together. Nobody had the right to find out about this and the one who betrays another would have been fed to the scary nine–headed monster that protects the gates of the underground world._  
  
_– I made this, – I pulled out the piece of paper as well and put it in front of him so he could see it clearly._  
  
_– What is this, partner?_  
  
_– A detailed map of the dream island, – I nodded seriously and pointed at some circles and wings in the paper that I drew. – This is the gates and this is the protective wall from the bad people. This is the watchtower where the little Light is waiting for us to come. This is the castle where they’re waiting for us! We have to get there!_  
  
_– But what is this? – He asked and put his finger on the dark trees and black worms that I drew._  
  
_– This is a problem, – I sighed. – This is the forest of the evil and the trenches that stops all of the travelers from getting to the castle. The forest is full of bad creatures and birds that will try to stop us and the trenches are leading straight to hell. But we’ll make this!_  
  
_He looked at me with his big shiny eyes. Suddenly a big bright smile showed on his face and he jumped closer wrapping his hands around my neck. That hug was tight. And warm. Something inside fluttered that moment when our heartbeats became like one. Childhood is that magical period of time when you can fantasize and believe in your words, your thoughts and creations. With time…all of it changes. Or it doesn’t?_

* * *

When we finally reached the plot we both stood up. He was laughing and chuckling happily even spinning in circles with his head lifted up so the snowflakes would land onto his skin. Then our eyes met. For a short moment. 

– We should have done this way earlier, – I said but before I could get into a serious and long opened speech he stepped closer and took me by my hand again.  
  
– Let’s go? – He smiled. His smile was heartwarming and sweet. With that he started moving forth and pull me by my hand. I watched him from behind. The way that ball was bouncing, the way his free hand is lightly swinging beside his hip, the way he was looking around. I promised…I know I promised and I tried my best to keep my promise but it was too difficult to fight over myself.  
We reached the bridge. We passed it. We got onto the other side of the river. We got away from the civilization and people. Now we were alone.

* * *

_Sometimes, life decides to make your journey way harder that it was supposed to be. The ward that became my second home was not that big. It was all white, had a big wide window and a potted flower on the windowsill. The bed was beside the wall on your right when you come in through the doors._ Also _there was a small night counter beside the bed where a glass of water was_ put, _and a small closet beside the other free wall. When I came in, he was laying in bed and reading a book. Beside him was standing a drip with a wire laying onto the bed edge and connected to his vein with the help of the catheter._  
  
_– Hey, – I greeted him while coming closer the bed. His book immediately flopped onto his chest and eyes impaled me with_ big _watery look in them. – Don’t….it’s going to be alright._  
  
_Once I came closer our hands tangled together, chests rammed into each other. But_ eventually _his head slid down onto my chest hiding there. His small exhausted body started jolting up from honest sob that came up his throat as a sad tired cry. All I could do is hold him close and hide him in my arms. I felt like crying myself. Probably because I could feel all of the pain he felt. I could feel how that needle injects into my hand, how the medicine slowly drips into my body, how weakness takes me. So sometimes, life decides to make your journey way harder that it was supposed to be._

* * *

 Forest was also snowy and a bit gloomy. Darkness was surrounding it, but for some reason, neither of us was feeling scared. He just stepped closer me from my side and wrapped his hands around my arm, leaned his temple against my shoulder, closed his eyes as we were slowly, step by step walking through the forest path.  
  
– You’re tired? – I asked and looked at him. I always was worried about him. Always. Every single minute I see him and especially when I don’t. I could carry him on my arms through hot coal path on my bare feet if he just tells me that he’s tired.  
  
– I’m fine. Really. – He whispered and slowly opened his eyes to meet mine. Smile appeared again. – Thank you…for today.  
  
– But we didn’t reach it yet.  
  
– It’s not about the destination….it’s about the journey. And the nice view around it. – He said and looked around the forest. Weirdly there were no bad creatures; there were no danger, no fear. This place was so silent that we could hear each other breathing. – We don’t even need our maps anymore. That’s the most important.  
  
– You’re the most important! – I shouted and ripped my arm out of his grip. Instead of such hug I took his both cheeks with my hands so we would perfectly see each other’s faces. – You’re the most important to me! Do you hear me?!  
  
After those words, silence filled the air. Only our eyes were staring at each other. And once I noticed it, the realization hit me.  
  
– Don’t…it’s going to be alright, – I said, but it was too late. Tears were already streaming down his face like salty waterfalls.  
  
– Y–you promised… – he whispered, but his voice was stuttering from crying that was already here.  
  
I promised. Indeed, I did. I promised him that for today I’ll forget everything and spend a normal day with him. But instead, I kept on worrying and asking is he feeling okay. I broke it. Maybe…just maybe. Maybe that’s okay.  
  
– I… – I stuttered and looked down for a moment to pick the right words. – I…I love you, Eren. And you know that. It’s not easy to watch you suffer like this for so many years. To make the day simple, is impossible. Because I’ll never forget, and I will always care.  
  
Then I hugged him. I snuggled him closer. I leaned closer and kissed him. In this chilly snowy weather the kiss was hot and sweet. Melting and making us both feel warm as soft warm electricity sparkles shook the body. If I had one wish…if I had an opportunity…if I had the power to finish this. I would. I would give away my last breath, but I would stop it. I would fight for him. Until my heart stops beating. But sometimes there are forests of evil, trenches and bad people that get in a way. Sometimes it’s not that easy to reach the dream island. And sometimes we don’t see the light when it’s so dark around. Sometimes no matter how long you wait and try, it never comes.

* * *

I ran into the clinics like a tornado and stormed into the intensive care corridor running straight to the ward that they told me is his. Nobody let me in. Some nurses got into my way trying to stop me, but I made a serious commotion in the corridor demanding them to let me see him. That moment doctor came out of the ward and all of us screaming in corridor shut up. I looked at him and broke through the nurses to get closer.  
  
– How is he? Can I see him? I want to see him! – I screamed and stepped to the door immediately like everything is decided already with my words, but suddenly doctor grabbed my hand stopping me. I looked at him. He took his glasses off and hanged them on his neck to let his eyes rest a little bit. Then a loud sad sigh escaped his lips.  
  
– Be strong, – he said and then released my wrist. – Five minutes, no more.  
  
That will be enough. Right that moment when he started walking away I opened the door and walked into the ward. He was laying in bed. Tons of computers were connected to him. There were a few different types of medicine bags hanging onto the drip. There was that regular -peep- sound coming from the computer and ruining the most suffocating silence that I’ve ever got to hear in my life. I could see on the screen his heart wings coming up. How they jump up and get down. Up and down. Up and down again. His eyes were closed. He was wearing hospital pajama. There was an oxygen mask on his face. His head was bald. Like always. His body was covered in thousands of painfully looking bruises. His lips were chapped and dark bags surrounded his eye sockets.  
  
– Hey, – I whispered silently when I was already beside his bed. I took his hand that was laying on the edge of the bed. I was hoping…hoping. And finally I could feel the way his fingers weakly squeezes my hand in respond. Then his eyes slowly opened. I met them. A small trembly smile came up onto my face and I couldn’t stop it from throbbing. My eyes got itchy and watery as I felt how tears are gathering in them. He just smiled at me and brushed his thumb through my palm saying:  
  
– _Don’t…it’s going to be alright…_ – his voice was quiet. Weak. And tired. Those words just made me burst out in tears. I felt like breaking. No…I was breaking already. I was broken and shattered. Since the first day I heard about leukemia.  
  
Then I just cried on his chest. Gripping onto his hand and sobbing painfully to the point where it felt like my ribs got broken. I was crying until the nurse came to get me out of the ward. She said that it’s disturbing the patient and only making him feel worse. His last words to me were _“it’s going to be alright…_ ”.  
  
So sometimes, life decides to make your journey way harder that it was supposed to be. His death was my death. I remember the way his casket sank into the grave. The way everyone started throwing flowers on top of it. The way sand started to cover it up. I felt with each cup of sand that hit the top of the casket, my heart takes its last beats. Everything around me was like a black arena without edges. People around me disappeared, sounds disappeared. I could only hear my own slow painful heart beats and my temples throbbing from it. My glassy eyes were staring at the way the casket got covered up by sand, the way they started decorating the flower bouquets on top of it. I was there, beside that grave staring at the name on the small wooden plate. My knees were sunk into the cold freezing snow, around me the snowflakes were performing their regular dance. Today they were unhappy.  
  
That day all of the lights shattered.They were gone.  
  
That day I understood that…no, it was not okay. It was the last delightful day of his life. And he knew it. And he was still able to slide down that hill, scream happily and spin beneath the snowing sky. He was able to smile and look me in the eyes.  
  
But now I realize…he was not trying to make his last day perfect. He was trying to make my last day perfect.  
  
He’s probably there, in the watchtower, looking around and waiting for me to come. But the truth is…I don’t think that I’ll be able to handle the obstructions and problems by myself.


End file.
